I do have to start this story with a trigger warning. I do not get to hold my baby in my arms. This child of mine is growing up in Heaven.
Let me start from the beginning of our hope for this little life.
Last summer I remember a sense of peace falling on us. Shortly after Maverick turned 2 and really started talking to us and communicating more clearly, we felt peace about the possibility of having another baby. So we began to try to give him a sibling. It took us 5 months to get pregnant with Maverick so I was prepared it may take some time. I was trusting God’s timing rather than trying to plan it all on my own. And I just kept getting period after period and I just still continued to trust God. I knew it would happen eventually. Around February I started to get a little more desperate and started trying to do as much as I could to take care of myself to help it work. All the vitamins, all the avoiding plastics, all the avoiding chemicals, timing it correctly and everything else I could think of.
And then I found out that my sister was pregnant. In March. and the day she told me I was already late. And while I was so excited for her I was also in the middle of this fertility journey… but later that night I got my period again. “Just keep trying!” she said. We were so excited to have babies together.
That next month was a little crazy. My husband was in his first year as a junior accountant and it was the middle of tax season. He was working 11 hour days and extra hours on the weekends and I was just surviving taking care of our toddler solo. But somehow… we found a few times to try. Literally just a few.
So I really didn’t have high hopes but I always kind of wondered MAYBE THIS TIME!?!?!?!?
I only had 1 pregnancy test left. We are in a season of living off of less. Trying to save money in every way possible, so I was not going to waste a pregnancy test unless I knew it was probably going to be positive. And so in April… I found myself 5 days late. And I had been 5 days late before! But this time felt different. I remember having some wild cravings for a beer… which only ever happened to me when I was pregnant with Mav haha.. and I also remember just being very rageful. Which was another thing that happened with Mav…. and I didn’t even film a cute reaction video or anything. I just LOOKED AT THE TEST and it was positive!!! So I went out the living room and showed my husband. He played dumb like he couldnt read it lol. aye aye aye.
Then I immediately facetimed my sister. We both cried. We were having babies together!!! 7.5 weeks apart!
The start of my pregnancy was pretty chill. Until the nausea hit full blast and I began the first trimester of suffering hahah. I had one day where I got so sick and was having all these wild cramps and I was worried about the baby but my body just evacuated everything from within itself while I was at the baseball fields with my husband and son. Lol. There was minor talk of miscarriage with my midwives because of the cramping but she kind of said it is probably just GI issues and that’s what it seemed to be!
I survived my first month of pregnancy and then I was booked for the 8 week ultrasound. I ended up booking at 8 weeks 5 days as I remember last time that Mav was just looking like a tiny little gummy bear and I wanted to see this baby slightly bigger so I accepted the later date offer.
I went to the ultrasound on May 11th by myself. You are not allowed to bring children so Eric stayed home with Mav and I confidently went on my own. I don’t think I had any idea that anything could go wrong… however I do remember at the beginning of the pregnancy I had this odd feeling I was not going to get to meet this baby. And I hate that I had that. It just felt like doubt. I was surely trapped in my mega nauseous pregnant body for the long haul.
At my ultrasound I got in quite quickly and the technician was thorough and honestly just kind of wearing an emotionless face as she did my ultrasound. She pushed on my super full bladder for a while and said okay I can see the baby but your uterus is tipped back a bit so would you be comfortable with a vaginal ultrasound? And I was just kinda like… sure.... And then she told me I could go pee first and I was like YES! Haha. And honestly it was much better. I was covered by a sheet and it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. The technician continued with her blank face and clicking and then she asked me “were your periods regular?” and I was like… yes! Even though maybe they are a bit irregular I didn’t think they were significantly off. Then she told me that I was meant to be measuring 8 weeks and 5 days but that the baby was actually measuring 6 weeks and 2 days. She turned the screen and I saw my little one. Saw their heart beating. Saw the yolk sac and everything looked pretty normal except the heartbeat looked slow to me. She then confirmed the things she was seeing with a higher level doctor while I got dressed and came back and said we should schedule another ultrasound for 2 weeks from now to see if there is 2 weeks of growth and perhaps we just happened to conceive later in my cycle! And then on the way out the door I was like oh can I get a photo? And she said “oh do you want one?” and I was like yes.
Yes I do.
Gimme that photo.
I needed something to pray over.
So I walked back to the car kind of slowly. I didn’t know how I should feel. I didn’t want to entertain that something might be wrong. But I called my midwives and left a message in detail about everything that I saw and was told.
They got back to me shortly after and they were hopeful. Seeing a heartbeat was a big deal. Perhaps I just conceived later in my cycle! Maybe my baby would come in January and I would just have the longest 1st trimester ever! All I knew is that the situation felt a bit desperate.. and so I messaged very many friends who pray. It was a bit awkward… announcing a pregnancy but with a prayer request. But I was a desperate Mama. My baby just needed to grow. I would do whatever it took. I even weaned my toddler after nearly 3 years.
My midwife called again the next day once she received the results. The only thing I was interested in hearing was the actual heart rate. Because to my eyes it looked slow. And I remember seeing Mavs. It was hammering. But not this baby. And my midwife told me that the heart rate was measured at 67bpm. And she said that if the embryo was truly 5-6 weeks of age that was the time that the heart was beginning to beat and sometimes it can fluctuate and be a bit up and down as its learning to beat so it wasn’t a sure thing that something was wrong… but that it also could be a miscarriage. But it was best to hold onto hope.
So at this point I was hearing a lot of “it could be totally fine!” but also a lot of “this could be a miscarriage” and “if you start bleeding let us know” and… I was just trying to hold onto hope. But I also felt afraid to do so. I kind of just felt like this desperate prayer come out of me… God if something is truly wrong with this baby I just want you to take it home. Because… my child. My sweet baby does not deserve a life of suffering all so I can see their face.
The two weeks waiting were some of the longest 2 weeks of my life. And I had nearly every sign of miscarriage along the way except for excessive bleeding. I had some very very very minor spotting while we were on a weekend visit to Victoria but it stopped. I just had no idea. I was vomiting all the time, so my body was still acting very pregnant and I just had to hold onto hope. It was not just about me… it was a community of people praying for us. It was family. It was my life group. It was my church. Surely God would not allow this to end in tragedy.
When the day finally came to have our 2nd ultrasound I had a dear friend come babysit Mav so Eric could join me this time. The ultrasound technician was very kind. She already knew the story and everything that was seen last time. She was hopeful as we had seen a heartbeat. She got me up on the bed and began to push on my very full bladder. She moved it around a bit and then she said “its just difficult to see so I’m going to do a vaginal ultrasound if that’s ok?” So I got to go to the bathroom again and got myself resituated. And lay there. And truly… I just didn’t have a lot of hope left. Her face was blank. She was not looking hopeful. And after some deafening silence she said to me “I’m not seeing what I am hoping to see here”
My heart sank so hard.
She said the baby was measuring 6 weeks and 2 days and there was no longer a heartbeat.
She then told me I could get dressed and left the room.
Left me naked and alone.
And I just began to weep. With this screen of photos of an empty looking womb just open to me. Burning a hole in my memory. I could still see my baby… but much less clearly. Sometime in the past 2 weeks my baby had passed away but my body still held on.
My husband was texting me.. can I come in soon? And I just said
Bad news babe
That’s how my husband found out.
I got dressed and another doctor came in to talk to Eric and I. He gave us a very well practiced speech. “This is not your fault. This happens to about 30% of pregnancies.”
We walked back to the car pretty quietly. I didn’t really know what to do. But I began to learn what it truly meant to have a miscarriage. And I hate that I had to learn.
Nothing could have prepared me for how it felt to be carrying a dead baby in my womb.
I had some chats with both of my midwives. They have both lost babies so they know the ache. I was given three options.
wait for my body to recognize the failed pregnancy and let go of the baby naturally
take some pills to make the process happen in 24-48 hours
book a surgery to have my womb vaccumed out ( a dilation & curretage or D&C)
Now I will be honest. None of these options seemed good. Like this was a decision I did NOT want to make. At all. So I flip flopped back and fourth 1000 times. To get options 2 or 3 I would have to book with the Early Pregnancy Assessment Center and go in for a visit before I was given the pills or could book a D&C. At first I read a bunch of stories about D&C’s and it seemed like the least traumatic option. But a very feral and intense part of me wanted to see my baby so badly. I didn’t want to voice that so we kind of waited a couple days. I’ve always been someone who needs time to make big decisions. Eric thankfully got 5 days of bereavement leave and honestly.. with a toddler.. we had a very good distraction from our grief. We went to some parks as a family.. of four. :’(
Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore. I was still vomiting all the time and I felt that I couldn’t carry my deceased child within me any longer and we made the decision to book an appointment to get some pills to “terminate the pregnancy.”
I felt so sick that morning. I threw up everything I ate. Even celery which was one of my literal only safe foods in pregnancy. We made the drive out to bc womens hospital with Mav in tow. He understood that Mama needed to see a doctor and he was a good little sport about the whole thing.
I sat there listening to the EPAC lady talk about what to do and what to expect and she yammered on for about an hour and my husband told me that I just looked like I wasn’t hearing anything… so he was convinced that I was the reason that she just kept repeating herself over and over again but I was like babe I just think she likes to yap and she couldn’t remember what she already said so she said it 3 times each. She did tell us that Mav was beautiful about 10 times and I didn’t get tired of hearing that. I think I ended up repeating to her nearly three times “I just need this to be over.” “I’m ready to let go.” “I can’t carry a dead baby any longer.”
She told me only once though… that sometimes people do see the embryo.. and that it is a very normal reaction to flush it down the toilet.
Eventually she gave us a prescription (which is the same thing people take for an abortion (which felt so heavy to my already battered soul)) and sent us on our way to the pharmacy. The pills were free... the price was $254 but I guess its free. To everyone.
When we got home I transferred my napping toddler to his bed… which is a miracle.
I pulled out the first pill I was supposed to take. It was one that would slow my pregnancy hormones. I had to take it 24 hours before taking the rest. And I felt so hesitant. I just stared at this pill for far too long. “What if the baby is still alive?” I asked Eric… and he said “honey, the baby is gone.” And then I asked my husband to pray. So he did. Prayed over this pill. Over my body. And then I took it and literally just burst into tears. And we went out onto the patio and he held me in our big chair while I cried. It was just such a horrible situation.
I felt peaceful though. Somewhat. I knew that it wouldn’t be long. My body would do what it needed to do with a little help. I might get to meet my baby soon. We went back inside and decided to play chess together… and I beat him for the first time in our entire relationship hahahah.
The next morning I was bleeding more than I had the entire time. Nothing serious but it was clear that things were moving along. We stayed home all morning. I showered. For some reason I put on a dress. I felt like I wanted to look nice when I met my baby.
At 1:30 pm I took a dose of pain killers and then at 2:30 pm I took the rest of the pills that terminate the pregnancy. I had to lay in bed for 30 mins to an hour while they did their thing. But some people don’t have anything happen for 24 hours … and I got a little antsy and started chasing Maverick around the house. We played hide & seek. And he chased me like the little baby dino that he is. And we laughed. And truly had a bit of fun. Then I got hungry so Eric ordered some pizza and he was planning to go pick it up on his own.
I kind of thought… well I don’t really want to be alone… but also nothings happening yet so maybe we could all go for a walk to get the pizza. So we packed Mav into the stroller and it was about 5pm at that point and we made our way up to dominos. It was not a long walk. But about 30 seconds in I started having some cramps. I didn’t think too much about it but I did have a moment where I was like… maybe I should turn around! Haha…..
We made it to dominos and then we circled around and took a different street back cuz there was a ton of construction on our street… and Mav somehow fell asleep in the stroller. So we were like… NOOOOOO. Cuz it was about 5:15 and we were not in the mood for a late toddler nap… hahah… and so Eric picked Mav up out of the stroller and was trying to yap to him and not hold him comfy enough for him to fall asleep.. and then I had some more big cramps…Truly they weren’t that painful but I knew something might start happening.. then like 15 steps later I felt a gush.
And then it just kept gushing.
And I was like trying to tell Eric… it was starting.
If you don’t like blood..and loss.. and hurt.. I suggest you don’t read further. Please feel free to leave. I lose the baby. It was horrific.
So Eric was like. Sort of afraid but sort of like telling me I WOULD HAVE GOT THE PIZZA BY MYSELF! And I was like its fine! It’s fine.. oh crap.. I think its leaking down my leg…. is it leaking down my leg babe?????!
So all we had in the stroller was a random long sleeve shirt of Mavericks.. so I grabbed it.. and started cleaning up my legs on the side of lougheed highway. Then I stuffed the shirt between my legs as well and waddled back home continuing to feel it gush.
When I got home I retreated to the bathroom and Eric tried to start to get Mav ready for bed. Then unfolded what I can only describe as a crime scene. There was just so much blood and when I sat down a large blood clot fell out of me. And I fished it out of the toilet with my bare hands.. like an animal.. I just wanted to see my baby. And I thought that I did see it. And so I basically started wailing. This was so much worse than I imagined. There was blood all over the floor and all over my hands and all over the toilet and then my toddler BURST through the door.. and I just yelled at him to GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. And man. His little face was so shocked. I again felt like such an animal.
I was supposed to monitor the blood loss with a pad. If I filled more than 2 regular pads in an hour that was too much blood and I would need to go to emerg. So I took a quick shower and rinsed the blood off my legs as best I could and then tried to get some new underwear and a pad to measure the flow. But it honestly just kept gushing. I stood there and felt like it would maybe take 5 minutes tops for my body to fill this pad. So I reached out to my midwife. I just called her straight up because I knew which one was on call. She told me to try a bigger pad and in 15 minutes send a photo of it. And so I found 2 absolutely massive pads from my postpartum time with Maverick. Those were the only big pads I had left. And I felt it fill up so quickly. I don’t know if it was even 15 minutes but I made the decision that we needed to go to the hospital. Quickly. So I called a dear friend who doesn’t live far away because she told me she was available and would help with Mav if we needed anything at all. She was there in about 15 minutes. And I also called a neighbour who lives downstairs from me and she came a bit sooner but I thought we might to go right away.
I put on the last pad I had and we said the saddest goodbye to our toddler. He is so strong. He was trying to hard to get out and come with us. Just wailing. I told him he had to be brave and that mommy needed to see a doctor and that we would be home later. And we left him screaming and headed to Burnaby hospital.
Now being someone who is trying to spend as little money as possible I asked my husband to drop me off at emerg and go park on this hill that I know to be cheaper than the actual hospital parking lot hahaha… when you’re thrifty you’re thrifty ALRIGHT?
This may turn comedy from here forward.
Can I say that somehow I had joy in this? Maybe not in this first moment…
I waddled into emergency feeling my pad probably overflowing already… and there was literally only one person in line. Never in my life have I gone to emerg and seen it practically empty. I stood there waiting for the one young man who had clearly just cut his hand badly enough to be there but he seemed fine. He sat down in some chairs and the receptionist took a very long maybe 3 minutes to call me forward. I sat down in the chair and handed her my care card and said “I am having a miscarriage and I am bleeding very badly.” And so she took a few more details and put a bracelet on me and told me to go sit. So I went and sat two chairs away from mr. cut hand.
And then I felt like my dress might be wet. So I stood up and pressed my hand to my backside and it came back covered in blood. At this moment my husband walked in and the triage lady called me up to check my vitals. And I had to be like… “I’m sorry I am bleeding so much I bled all over the chairs” and so she sent a young girl to grab me a diaper. She came back with a pad so I could sit on the chair and a bunch of diaper things and a bag for my blood soaked clothes and a hospital gown.
Eric went with me to the bathroom to help me change into a diaper. And it was kind of his first time witnessing the blood bath with his eyes. Another massive clot came out of me in that bathroom and he got me in a diaper and some hospital undies that go overtop and the gown and then the girl who brought us everything got me in a wheelchair and brought us over to gyno.
We got a private room. Which was honestly so great.. it was so fast. But across from our room was an old woman who was just moaning with every breath. And so all these nurses that came into the room to help me were also dealing with a bit of drama across the way.. and I can’t even describe how I felt other than like… sort of high? I just kinda was saying funny things.. making my husband laugh. He called me a clown multiple times. I was asking these nurses as they took blood what their names were and telling them not to poke me in the wrong spot and I think my veins were all a bit hidden from the massive amount of blood that had come out of me but thankfully my nurses both hit veins on the first try for an iv and a blood test.
And then… everything just settled down.
I started to pray out loud for the lady across from me. I started to sing “it is well with my soul” and not in an emotional way… almost in a silly way. Like max vibrato. I don’t know what was going on but all I know is that the joy of the Lord was my literal strength as I was laying in a hospital bleeding out and losing my 2nd baby. Eric sang with me. “When peace like a river attendeth my way…”
I just.
Telling this story almost feels like I am talking about someone else.
I mostly lay there worrying about Mav. Worrying about how he saw me covered in blood and screaming at him. Worry about how he would be able to go to bed without us. I knew he was in good hands but I just didn’t know if he would ever relax that night. We just never leave him.
Eventually the Doctor came in and did an ultrasound on me. Checking for any excessive bleeding happening from somewhere strange inside me. Everything looked good praise God. And my bloodwork came back looking pretty good too. I wouldn’t need a blood transfusion somehow. I guess I just have a boat load of blood. Haha. So then the nurse was like… okay you can get dressed and then follow me. So.. I was like… alright. And got into some sweats and we went to a random waiting area. They hooked me up to an iv to give me some fluids and I started to feel better pretty instantly. Besides the ache of loss. The iv seemed to take forever. The drip drip drip. I just was like…. when will this end. When can I go home to my son. When am I going to see my baby….
And then it finally finished and no one came to unhook me… so I decided to get up with my iv and find a bathroom. I hadn’t checked on the situation since we arrived at the hospital. So I wheeled myself in just around the corner from the waiting area…. and haha it just occurred to me that I totally could have gone pee in my diaper lol…
Anyways. As soon as I sat down on the toilet I felt a large clot come out of me. Biggest one yet. And my heart sank so hard. I didn’t even have to look but I just knew it was the baby… and I fished it out of the toilet.
It was a greyish round mass covered in clots. And there were a few whiter spots.. and I just… actually couldn’t keep looking. I was afraid of what I might see. But whatever was in there was very hidden by the grey. Like it had been disintegrating within me for maybe weeks. My heart hurt so much. I wanted to keep it. But my level of crazy mom already felt so max. I remembered the EPAC nurse saying many people flush the embryo and that was a normal response…and I put it back in the water and the toilet auto flushed so fast I could barely think.
My heart.
I will wonder. Forever. What my baby looks like.
I will wonder forever what our life would have looked like together.
I will wonder forever how it will be when I finally get to meet my little one in Heaven.
I came back out and told my husband what had happened. I think he was a bit relieved also that I wasn’t carrying a massive amniotic sac with me. That I had said goodbye. And also that this horrific event seemed to be coming to an end.
When we finally left the hospital around 10:45 pm there was a full moon shining over us. A moon that has a lot of different names… but the moon that I saw on May 30th 2026 was a Mother’s Blue moon.
We got home and our wonderful baby sitter had gotten Mav to sleep and had cleaned up our whole kitchen and done a load of laundry for me. I just. <3 I just have the best people around me.
Mav cried around 1 am and I was so happy to go in and cuddle the crap out of him. He lay so still so quickly being in his mamas arms (which isn’t always the case) and I eventually went back to our bed cuz he just was sleeping way too close to me haha.. and about 10 minutes after I got in bed he came waddling in in his sleepsac and slept cuddled up in dads arms the rest of the night.
I tried to sleep. And I did. But the smell of blood on my hands woke me up a few times. And eventually I woke up to the sight of my boys sleeping soundly together across from me.. and light leaking in around the curtains… and I felt blessed at the sight.
For the first time in nearly 4 years I was no longer pregnant or breastfeeding.
It was over.
I decided I wanted food that I couldn’t eat pregnant. So we went and got some delicious prosciutto sandwiches in deep cove… and just sat by the water and let our toddler run wild. I may have bitten off a bit more than I could chew. I felt a bit overwhelmed and had to sit down and had to eat my sandwich so slowly. Then Mav wanted to go back to the park and he got a little lost and found a grass hill and started sliding down it on his butt and then forced his Dad to join him and we all had a good laugh over it. Then we got ice cream and picked up steaks to make at home. My mom sent some money specifically to get us steaks to help my body recover. So I had a ribeye that night. And it was delicious. And I’ve cried a lot about all of this but I am not afraid to cry.
I am not afraid to feel.
This grief is the grief of a lost dream. Of an unrealized future. It is a tragedy but I just have to keep walking through it. My future babies depend on me getting through this and I just still trust God. I know He has a plan for our family… and while I never ever wanted to have a baby in Heaven before me, it gives me so much hope. I know my little one is living the dream. I know they are at peace. That they will never know fear or sadness or pain or heartbreak. My little one in Heaven will greet me one day with a “Hi Mama” in a voice I have never heard before and all of this will feel like it never happened.
My heart is broken but God is near to the broken hearted. I don’t hear His voice in a loud way right now but I sure feel His presence. The God who knows my baby and has given me even more hope for Heaven than I ever imagined having.
For 11 weeks and 3 days I carried your tiny body. Your life began within me but you were born in Heaven.
I will love you forever sweet Victory Myer Riedstra <3
